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Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005
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And when I woke up,
there was snow. :)
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Sunday, November 6th, 2005
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| Time: | 2:39 am. |
| Music: | norah jones. |
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(I forgot how much I love November.)
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Thursday, September 29th, 2005
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So I'm loud and I'm cold, but he said it's alright, and I think it is too.
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Wednesday, September 28th, 2005
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Hello Chicago.
It's good to be back.
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Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
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I wonder how you're feeling
There's ringing in my ears...
Boston and I have made amends.
Wen-fai, Dan Johnson, and Cheryl: THANK YOU. Wen-fai, for rocking in so many different ways, for being on the other end of my phone calls, for "letting" me sleep in your bed, and for being from that damn good-looking town called Pittsford. Dan, for choosing me over the physics homework, for the directions that got me there, and for the tour that proved RPI to be just as awesome as MIT. Cheryl, for Mecca. For the idea. For the reason. For being my faithful enabler, encouraging me to turn fantasy into reality, one step at a time, until there is no fear. Oh, it was worth it. There is no such thing as "too bold."
No worries.
In short, I have had a very long two days, much of which was filled with driving and rocking out to whatever was on the radio. All over the radio. I listened to some very nice classical music near Albany. Then again, I'm not that picky. I'm not that needy, either. I should be, perhaps, but I'm not. Demanding, yes. Needy, no. (Well, unless it's regarding numbers. Or love. Of course I need those.)
I made it back, but I also made it there.
Massachusetts? I heartily approve. :) Trees and rocks and water and hills and the most helpful turnpike employees in the world. Thank you, Massachusetts, for your hospitality. I found myself in a bit of trouble shortly after entering the state, but I still made it to my destination, alive and well and on time. Every second of your life, you are Not Dying. On this trip, I think I managed to Not Die quite nicely. (However, it's always good to have a backup plan or two.)
Framingham, you are nice, but also kind of startling. I don't know what to make of you. I think you are both here and there, and you know what? That's not such a bad thing to be.
The T is my friend. I show up, I get on the T, the T leaves. It's a nice system. It occasionally involves running (both necessary and unnecessary) and going up and down stairs, but those things aren't much bother. And oh, don't get me started on the Wonder of the Silver Line. Combined with the fact that I got out of paying for said T-travel several times, I'm just about ready to move the T to Chicago. Or maybe I can get a T that will follow me around wherever I go. Hmm. Yes, maybe.
Cambridge, Boston, and the river that separates them all please me greatly. It's okay if there isn't a party upon arrival everyday, I'm sure there's always a party in spirit. Heh. MIT is very cool. It reminds me a lot of Chicago, with the buildings and the craziness and the mindset that everything must be awesome in it's own unique way. It was very, very cool.
YESTERDAY WAS A GOOD DAY.
There is no such thing as "too bold."
Mr. Aiken bent over backward to show us all of the things he does nicely. He even got all confused. Luckily, I don't think anyone minded. :)
The night was young, buildings were broken into, beverages were purchased. Videos were watched. Fun was had.
In the morning, we got up surprisingly awake and alert and ready to conquer the world. So what did we do? We went out for brunch, of course. It wasn't exactly like those real people with families, but it was close. Better, even. Afterward, we walked around, went to Barnes and Noble (because what is the point of living if not to go to Barnes and Noble?), and I finally got that frappachino that I've been preparing myself for.
One goodbye and three train rides later, I found myself back in Framingham, back in the confusion, and ready to be on my way. It was early, I was making good time. I was on vacation, and I had a little more of it to go.
About halfway to New York, I was thinking to myself about backtracking, thinking about the way there, thinking about how later I would tell Dan Johnson about my trip (and eeeeee obnoxiously) and say that I drove past Rensselaer. In my mind, he would feign indignation and ask why I didn't visit. And... in my mind, I had no good answer. Thus, an impromptu adventure. I missed the exit I should've taken, decided to forget the plan, and then ended up getting off at the next exit anyway. I ended up in the town of Rensselaer (which is not where RPI is, I learned) and I turned around on a magnificently-named street before stopping at a gas station to call a million different people so that I could find someone who could go online and procure Dan's phone number so that I could then call him and get directions! He gave directions, and while I ended up at another magnificently-named street, I was not where I needed to be. (Again with the needing. Ah, I can argue that I needed to be exactly where I was at that moment. Wanting, needing, planning. No worries. No worries.) Anyway, I called back, got better directions, drove in convoluted shapes for awhile, and then reached the destination and even parallel parked for the first time out of necessity. No worries at all. :)
We had a college-type dinner, chatted, and toured the campus. It was very nice. Dan might not be from the damn good-looking town of Pittsford, but I couldn't tell the difference. (Forgive me if that's all I can handle, but I'm fine with it if you are.) RPI's buildings may not be as interesting or as complicated as those of MIT, but the time I had there was just as enjoyable, and the vibe I got was a very good one. Once again, I heartily approve. After getting to see something EVEN BETTER THAN MR. V (and OH, IT WAS), we walked back, said our goodbyes, and I left.
One agreeable--if slightly paranoid--drive to Rochester later, and I'm home, filled with Adventure and Vacation and Yes, I Went That Far To Do Something So Silly, But Oh For The Love Of You-Know-What, It Made Me Happy And It Was Worth It. It was just outside Syracuse when the song came on, and I turned it all the way up and sang as loud as I could along.
No worries.
Perfection takes time, honey.
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If you ever have the choice between updating your journal and talking to a good friend, you should talk to the good friend.
Which is why I am not updating my journal.
However, I will say this:
I should listen to Jennifer and Sean more often. Perhaps they know what they're talking about.
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It is the Macadamian New Year.
I am going home.
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(But I probably shouldn't be writing this.)
So I guess I'm reading this book. It was given to me so that I could read it, and while I'm not really trying my hardest, I am, in fact, trying. Sometimes when I read it, though, I have a hard time going on with it. It's not that it's bad writing or that it's uninteresting... it's a good book, I'll say... I just have a hard time going on.
So
So I'm in Baltimore and being in Baltimore is kind of a strange thing. We figured out a few nights ago that I have been to Baltimore something like 14 or 15 times. It brings back a lot of different memories, moments in my life trapped in time just because of their location. The last time I was in this apartment was last summer. The last time I was on the Hopkins campus was two years ago in May. The last time I was at the harbor, I was standing on top of a boat that was tied to the dock. It was windy and cold. I didn't know what I was doing then.
There are a lot of options right now. Paths, I suppose.
I don't want to be feeling this way, but I am. I'm scared of it.
Sometimes you have to leave to learn how you really feel about where you are.
Being at Hopkins has made me realize that I really am happy in Chicago. It was easy in the winter to regret my decision, but my decisions aren't made easily. It's easy now to say that I'm happy there, because I am. How much of it is blind, though? Being here has made me realize that it's both more real and imagined than I thought.
Being here has made me think of Harry Potter. (Remember that?) Last summer wasn't so long ago. What has happened since then? Not much, I imagine.
Hmm.
I have been happy this quarter, being away. (Yet, these decisions aren't made easily.)
It's almost time, though
(and I've found that I'm scared.)
I trust that it will be okay.
But I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
how it will turn out.
What it will be.
The paths
they're there
and it will be okay
no matter what
but which one?
Which way will it be?
I'm beginning to believe
that there are only two options
that the third one won't work
but what if it's that?
Or what if it's the other?
But it will be okay.
It will be okay.
It will be okay.
You know this.
(I do.)
Trust.
That's all it is.
Don't be scared.
What will be, will be.
They're home now.
I guess I fell asleep.
I tend to do that, at times.
So I guess I should go
my sister is back
my family
Tim just made a mess.
"Do you need a hug?"
"Yes."
"It's okay."
I did make that mess.
Is it clean yet?
Did I clean it?
I said that I would.
(I say a lot of things.)
Maybe I should do that
when I get back.
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Someday I might die on a Southwest flight.
(but that's okay)
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Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
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To assist anyone who may or may not be stalking me:
I am going to Baltimore.
I am going to see AL GORE.
I am going to be back Sunday night.
I am going to miss you.
YES, YOU, STALKER!
(And I miss you, of course, anyway, anyway.
Of course.
Yes, you, always you.)
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I am still awake.
I had a nice night.
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I went to a party.
I got really drunk.
Penguins.
You.
My head hurts.
It hasn't rained in awhile.
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Wednesday, May 18th, 2005
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I am making something.
A mess, but I will clean it up.
(You will see when I am done.
We will see when we are ready.)
How many, they ask.
A lot, I say.
A lot.
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Qu'est-que vous faites cette apres-midi?
Well, this is what I was doing yesterday afternoon:
Click here. Allison's pictures. You have to go to the "school" album and then there are chariot race pictures near the end.
And click here. Dan's pictures. That should suffice, I think.
Stephanie and Melissa and possibly others also took pictures. I'll update this entry with additional links if any more surface.
We won.
It was totally awesome.
Edmund said I was the hottest rendering of Gene Simmons that he has ever seen.
Hell yeah.
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I went to a party.
I got really drunk.
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It could be said that the most well-known feature of the University of Chicago is its annual Scav Hunt. Well, a lot of things could be said.
Anyway.
Scav Hunt is pretty awesome. It's the biggest scavenger hunt in the world, ever. Yes, ever. It reminds me QUITE a bit of Science Olympiad, except the topics extend to everything and you have to do it in only three days. The energy is the same, though. (The insanity is the same.) I've been participating a little bit, mostly just for fun, and it has proven to be very worthwhile. "We should do this more often." (I should do this more often.)
A girl named Elizabeth once told [me] that [other people] once told [her] that you will never in your life learn more in a one-year period than you do your first year in college. I can't speak for the rest of my life, but from where I am right now I believe it.
Anyway.
If you're interested in this Scav Hunt business, you should check it out, especially if you were ever in Sci Oly (or if you should have been).
The Website
The List
Seriously, check it out.
So... I've been occupied. (Preoccupied, you could say.) This is nice and I'm happy and I'm glad that... that things are nice.
Yet
I can't help but realize
that things
can be both.
It makes me a little sad, to be happy, but what are you going to do?
I shouldn't have put it like that, but I do.
I am happy
And
( this. )
So there's that.
It's not so bad.
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| Subject: | Update. |
| Time: | 11:18 pm. |
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The Lottery.
As of tonight, I have a room for next year. I took a bit of a risk. I am trying something that maybe I wouldn't usually try. Room 240A, the outer room of the 4th floor two-room double, is mine. I did not pull anyone in and no one went in on her own, although I did get a bit of a scare about it earlier in the day. I guess that's a part of it--part of the risk. I am committed now, though. I signed the contract. Committment is so much of a risk. I'm taking a random first-year, hereafter referred to as "The First-Year." I think it'll be okay. In addition to The First-Year, I have Luis, Stephanie, Edmund, and the new RA Jonathan on my floor, with Lisa on four-and-a-half. My room makes me very happy. It is a risk, but a good risk. It has north-facing windows. It has bright lighting. It has space. It has walls. (It has doors.) I'm going to tell you right now that there will be no pictures, so you might as well come and see it for yourself.
Headaches.
I've been having a lot of headaches lately. I know that I've always gotten a lot of headaches, but this year has been different. I haven't gotten many this year. For the past week or so, though, I have. It's almost like things are back to normal.
My sanity.
The truth is, I am not sane. I am not supposed to be sane. I am supposed to be okay, though. That part is very important. I think it was also very important to have figured that out. It's really okay when I have somewhat lost my mind, because that's who I am. That's how I work. All is right in the world. The truth is, my sanity comes when it's gone.
Spring Quarter.
Things have been pretty good. My classes are pretty mellow, with the possible exception of COVA. ((COVA = the University of Chicago does art)) COVA is very intense, despite what anyone else may tell you. Sometimes I love it, sometimes I hate it. Either way, it makes me feel. It makes me scared, it makes me let go, it makes me real. I like it. (Even when I don't.) My new math professor, previously known as "The New Dmitriy," but now known as Mitya, is awesome. He is awesome in a very different way than Dmitriy was, but he is awesome nonetheless. I wasn't sure about him at first, but he has definitely shown his qualities and I am very glad to be in his class for my last real math course ever. Media Aesthetics, surprisingly, has been quite enjoyable this quarter. The class is worse, the teacher is the same, but all of the readings have been great. I don't mind it. Everything else has been very real. I'm even beginning to see the reality in others, which is a wonderful thing. Everything will be okay, everything will keep happening, I will keep living. Things have changed, but some things don't. There are some things that I am and some things that I am not and I'm not going to lie about it. Things have changed, but some things haven't. (What is it that does not ever end?)
Summer.
((My head hurts, so this needs to end.))
In short: We'll see.
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So
I am many things, but here are some things that I am not.
I am not perfect.
I am not overcome with joy.
I am not distraught with anguish.
I am not on the edge of sanity.
I am not fully sane.
I am not happy.
I am not sad.
I am not worried.
I am not scared.
I am not sure.
I am not
I am not set.
I am not done.
I am not giving up.
I am not worried.
I am not paranoid.
I am not at ease.
I am not silent.
I am not heard.
I am not...
I am not taking chemistry this quarter.
I am not drinking tea right now.
I am not sleeping.
I am not hiding in my room.
I am not opening my door.
I am not scared.
I am
I am not changed.
It is a cycle. It will continue.
I am not there yet.
I am not perfect.
I am okay.
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